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Customised love's LiveJournal:
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|Monday, May 12th, 2008|
I am stalking workmates.
Ehehheee I love being able to peer into people's underwear drawers without them knowing.
Even the crusty stains are fun, the creamy yellow bits that are crusty hard around the ouside but still moist and flavoursome in the centre.
Blackberry jelly is my sweet secret friend. Current Mood: PANTS!
|Friday, September 14th, 2007|
|Note to self
- Stop being such an attention seeking emo.
- Drink more white tea. Current Mood: cranky
|Thursday, September 13th, 2007|
|The privacy of daffodils
Isolation wraps around me like a fluffy coat made of warm bleeding needles. It whispers to me that I won't feel any pain any more, just the wonderful numbness, that joyous blessed unconsciousness I've been chasing for so long. And Christ, I can feel it, the warm nothingness, sweet happy existance with a man whom I love dearly but keep feeling I don't deserve.
How many more people can I push away? I of all people should know how precious and fragile friendship can be in my head. I have so much trouble forgiving the tiny hurts, the unconscious thinning of the eyes that what the fuck have I been doing? How much of that damage have I fucking caused?
Perhaps if I push everyone else away I'll be all alone, it'll be just me again.
Just when I had killed the werewolf, it came back in a few fucking seconds. Like a fungus it is, kill the motherplant (sweet jesus it's so wet and pulsating! Stand back boy, it's just playing dead like an old yellow cur) but I can never kill all the spores. I'm tired of fighting it, every fucking day is a fragile little fucking bubble. I shouldn't have to say to myself, I didn't want to see my rotting flesh today, today was a Good Day.
I shouldn't try having friends any more, I can't keep them anyway. They always see through to the rotting husk I am inside before too long anyway. That's what always happens. I think it's ok, I think wow so this is what it's like to be normal. And then once it's a fragment too late I see how it's been slipping out from under my feet all along. That little last step and I fall off the flying carpet and smash my head into a sticky smear on the sweet forgiving grey concrete.
I feel so fucking isolated. And I know it's what I've done all by myself.
The world keeps moving forwards, it's just me who can't keep up.
I'm sorry I'm such a shitty friend. But you're better off just leaving me behind anyway, I'm a crippled duck with the social skills of an earthworm.
And I got shitty at you for never calling me. I'm such a fucking hypocrite. Current Mood: distressed
|Wednesday, August 8th, 2007|
Nicki called me. I thought she was doing one of those weird catch up with friends from high school after years things that most people seem to enjoy, but which I find nice, but rather unsettling. I don't like to be reminded about sad times, and I am always afraid that the people are going to treat me like other meanie people did back then. Instead she told me Lincoln is dead.
I really wanted to thank him for helping me so much during high school. I probably would have hurt myself (heh) if not for him. I feel guilty that I didn't stay in contact with him after I left high school, even though he was probably my best friend, and he meant a great deal to me. I was frightened that if I did get in touch with him he wouldn't want to talk to me, that he'd reject me. So I didn't call. Pathetic. I feel guilty that I didn't act on the urge I got a month ago to try to contact him. Maybe I could have helped him if I had, maybe I could have talked him out of it.
Maybe, probably not.
I cried for a bit when I first found out, but now I just feel hollow. I feel guilty that I feel hollow, but only in an echo-y, jagged way. Like pissing into a huge barrel.
Sometimes I wonder if I have any real emotions, or if what I feel is just what I am expected to feel, what I tell myself is appropriate to feel. Maybe I am a cardboard vampire after all.
I miss you Lincoln, I'm so sorry I was scared to call you.
At least the Candlemas flowers have come up for tonight.
And there is NO way the cat can get in and steal moloko's food.
Fuck. Cover it up, that's right, shut it all off, off from yourself, off from the poor people who try to help you. Distraction Is The Key To Healing my arse. Current Mood: sad
|Wednesday, July 18th, 2007|
|The manson beat
I would very much like to make the tissue paper skin on the back of my knuckles break free of the shining bone underneath and sing its mouse high pain song.
So good, sweet extasy encased in white knuckle rage.
|Wednesday, July 11th, 2007|
|Never trusted the big P
Work through the power of the Yin, my beloved oracle told me.
You cannot hold this Woman, she is the power of creeping melon vines and singing willows.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen really closely, you can hear the willows singing. They speak in dreams, showing me sweet vellum strips peeling from my tapestry. Aborted calf skin smells like love, full of warmth and blood that has never been touched by the harsh light of day. Dreams ripped from the womb are best. All slippery and unable to scream, they can expire without been seen except by those few creeping preachers that lurk bleary-eyed and mad. Sometimes I wish they'd all just drift away, but they only seem so far away when I can see how close they are. The more you let them in, the more you see the cracks in your own egg body. I need more calcium. Out of the desert, into the drowning pool.
I can't seem to count anymore. Writing down '3' is too hard apparently.
Bah. I am frustrated at my own incompetance.
I am secretly a cardboard vampire, just don't tell my friends that, they'll be able to see right through me. Current Mood: cranky
|Tuesday, July 3rd, 2007|
Working is good. My job is all cruisy and good. I start at 8am, and it's a bakery assistant job heh. I just plod along doing my thing, asking if I'm not sure what the next thing is on the order of priorities. Lemon slice tastes good. Fudge slice is better. Raspberry slice is nasty, and shit on a stick the chocolate chip cookies are truely ikky.
I get to leave at 4 every night.
On fridays I have to start at 6, but I get to go home at about 2:30 so it's not so bad. Convincing my head that 7pm = 9pm is weird though. I have to turn off the lights, light candles and keep saying out loud "gee I'm really tired and it's nine o'clock at night now".
I like my new job. Thanks to everyone who congratulated me on getting it :QD
I'm going to the chiropracter twice a week for this month. So I have pretty much no spare cash despite getting a fulltime wage, but the pain in my neck has gone, and my back is feeling less pain-y every time I go.
I miss the doggies badly. For the last couple of fridays I've popped into furkids to visit them between back doctoring and finishing work.
Churchill keeps giving me cute tiny kisses, and wee Bear does too. And Bella noodle gives me HUGE footsits and happy ears.
I miss their ears most of all. The way they jiggle when they run, the way they push them back when they are saying HELLO!!!, and the way they are soft, warm and trusting between my fingers.
And I miss incoherant happy noises from under my hands.
On the plus side, Adam can do the same things :)
And, he smells better.
Tiredness is rather poopy though. I could use more sleep. Hell, I could always use more sleep. Current Mood: tired
|Monday, June 11th, 2007|
|Damp towel man
I have a full time jorb!
Today was my first day. It is bakery assistant/packer. And four days a week I only have to start at 8am yay! Friday I have to start at 6am though boo.
It is nice and just interesting enough to keep me happy. Most importantly once I shut the door behind me I can forget about it.
I was pretty damn close to getting sick all over again. And by next week, I will be able to start paying my overdraft off.
Now I am tired.
But I am pleased :Q)
I miss the doggies though. Enough so that I'm embarrassed about it. I miss Chanel's fluffy wee pudgy sides and the wee excited noises she makes when I cuddle her. And I miss the way Bessie's floppy and fluffy ears jiggle so cutely when I take her for a tiny run.
Oh well. Looking forwards, Not Abiding Where You Are. Current Mood: accomplished
|Wednesday, May 16th, 2007|
Right. Not coping with doing this working at furkids everyday thing.
1: I've rung the boss and told her I had temp work on mon, tues and wed from now on. I feel bad for lying but I don't want to put her in a shitty position if someone rings for a reference and asks how do I cope under stress.
2: Apparently some customers are concerned with what Amanda says to them sometimes when they come to collect their dogs. She can't help it, and they are just misinterpreting the oblique things she says, being special needs and all, but this means I have to do even more of the customer service. She's a lovely lady, but she really isn't too good at talking with customers. This means I have to deal with the customers more, so I have less time to clean. Shit.
3: Not dealing well with having no money and slipping more and more into debt. I don't believe they can give me any more work at furkids, and I wouldn't be able to handle it anyway. I've been looking for a part time job for fucking months and haven't been able to find one to fit around my thursday/friday shift.
4: Wasn't dealing too well with just the Thursday and Friday shifts anyway. I couldn't get to sleep on Thursday night, and had racing thoughts and couldn't stop thinking about work.
Good: much less stress, more money.
Bad: will miss the doggies.
Conclusion: Quit furkids and find a full time job I can bloody well leave at the door when I leave.
The Adam and I talked about my options the other day, and I decided that I had no choice but to leave. There is no point making myself sick again for a part time job. And the chattering voices stopped for the first time in over a week.
I hadn't realised how far I'd slipped back until the noise in my head was suddenly quiet.
I will miss the doggies. But I will not miss the stress of caring for thirty dogs at once. Eight dogs in one room together means a lot of supervision. And that times three is not much fun.
I wish I could still get a benefit from winz, but living with Adamgood means I can't.
And I simply couldn't get the cleaning done in the time allotted, so I had to work late every night. It was only like half an hour, but when you are as stressed as I was that was an (unpaid) eternity.
Also, last week a crazy lady with her 8 year old kid walked in just before we finished up. She looked normal, and her eyes were normal, with no drug or stupidity in them, but she kept asking the same question over and over again in a slightly different way.
That was scary. She wouldn't leave until me and Amanda both locked up and left.
For fucks sake. I was only doing three thirty to six (the put doggies into cages and clean shift) monday to wednesday, and one to six (so supervising playing, then clean up) thursday and friday. That was getting me $150 a week after tax and student loan repayments. And I was so stressed I had to chemically sedate myself on a couple of occasions so I could sleep at nights.
I wish I could just work like a normal person and not go mental. Current Mood: stressed
|Tuesday, May 1st, 2007|
|gliding spirits red and white ears
Do you secretly love me?
Do you have dreams where you quiver in the red slimed fetal position and my strong arms wrap around you, peach fuzz hairs warm against your parchment cheek as I lift you out of the sticky blood?
Perhaps if you take the road of misty warmth, the precipice of soaring oblivion, the velvet softness of my rotting chest can give you solace. Warm ripeness can curl into your nostrils, the exquisite softness of my fourth face flesh can make you delightfully shudder as I trace your dinosaur backbone with my crabbed fingers.
Apparently drowning is like going to sleep, the green healing water playing in your lungs as you trace the final lucid spin with outstretched pruney fingers. Watching the neons fade above you as you watch the gentle cerulean flow billow around you. A moment of Stephen Hawking in zero gravity pure joy writ on your face, no more mewling, your empty tears smoothed away by the green waters.
I love you deeply my sweet angel, you are the cooling smile on my fevered mind. Even when I'm being chased by high school demons, you find me and make the plastered on shit fall away with your smile.
Ruby blood only flows from peaches, not from crone parchment. It's the gentle smile, the dreaming love that makes the sap flow back into cold bones, brings the peach fuzz to the surface, then lets it fall away. Full lips with heightened lust hiding just behind them, the fetish warmth I crave, you always know just how to draw out the shuddering fever, and how to let it ebb away safely.
|Sunday, April 22nd, 2007|
I invented a new dessert, and I've been harrassing Caleb.
Both entertaining! :QD
(Secretly, I even dreamed about harrassing Caleb last night, we skipped a crappy elitist Ball thing to smoke weed in a rickety shed that was somehow connected with both an old shed/whare out on the family farm in Pocliffe, and a haunted ex-turn of the century poor family's house. But don't tell him, sweet secretive livejournal, or he'll get ideas about my crazed subconscious.)
The new dessert was partially shown to me by a lovely german lady, and consists of tiny marzipan balls rolled in icing sugar, or icing sugar and cocoa, or icing sugar and lemon peel. SOOOO GOOOODD!
Very addictive, and very easy to eat. HEHEHEHHEHHhhHhHHEeeheheeeEE!!
I also appear to be rather Up. Not sure if it corresponds to the Down that was a few days ago, great sex, or the large quantities of sugar and a new Fortean Times.
There are horrible horrible ants in my lovely big swan plant! I've planted ant poison on the surface though, and once the last caterpillar turns the pot will be going outside into the dark green shadowed cold. HAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHHAA! I RULZ the ants! Nasty little fuckers.
Hehehheee. Sugar doesn't normally affect me this much, or for this long. Perhaps I'm just happy? That's a weird thought.
GTO is cool. Normally I watch dark, serious anime with hauntingly androgenous beautiful men, but this is more with Panties Fresh Off My Butt and F-cups. It's a refreshing change.
I so need a good cosplay outfit.
The lovely half grown girls at work keep accidently giving me bruises on my thighs when they jump up wanting cuddles and playtime. I like watching the bruises shift from deep purple to green to yellow.
Pet magical chiropracter in my closet where are you, you little fuck?
:QDDDD Current Mood: mischievous
|Tuesday, April 17th, 2007|
|releasing the oil satined cat
Life is Pretty Good. The Balance is kicking in a bit more, making it more stable than it's probably ever been.
My personal angel is very very good at making the crap melt and drift away, with a hug and some gentle words. Being hugged by someone's toes is a lovely experience.
Building blocks. I never thought the mortar would hold them up. I remember seeing them crumble when I was a kid, watching some harsh words smash them all down to let the knife-edged wind in to expose my cold bones.
My bones are warmer now. Plastering the band aids of 'coping' on them has slowly numbed me to the bladed wind. I never thought that building up such tiny, inane steps as 'reverse spin with red and black eyes = internet ghost stories' would actually work.
Distraction actually works. Eventually. Focus on the outside to lessen the impact of the inside.
The pear sticks told me to use the energy of Not Abiding Where You Are to find a path through. Treading on the Tiger's Tail, I can't afford to sneer or scold. Follow the Tiger's path, keep moving.
I'm making small Steps. One foot at a time.
The thing with trying to ignore the tumbling oilsoaked fractures inside is that the tiny beautiful valleys inside are being neglected. The birds of paradise are less now, the unicorns are more tame.
Face the Tiger without fear, but with great respect.
I want to focus more on my training. I can do it, I need the motivation. Use the energy.
I think I'm finally starting to trade the cold bones for something closer to warm mist. Current Mood: contemplative
|Wednesday, March 21st, 2007|
I trusted you.
I don't understand what I've done wrong, but I must have done something horrible to deserve this.
Why don't you trust me anymore?
What have I done?
|Thursday, March 1st, 2007|
|Poo on a stick
I finally got paid for that horrible customer service day at Animates. You know the one, the one I was really worried that I would crack up, start crying, have to run away and thus prove to myself that working is Too Hard?
The one where I knew it would be extremely stressful but did it anyway because I was under the impression the pay rate was $20 an hour?
I got paid $11.10 an hour.
not. impressed. Current Mood: aggravated
|Friday, February 23rd, 2007|
|Green tea with boobies
The furkids job is going well, I get less nerves each week. The first time I had the meanie nausea and hell-nerves, now I'm just getting mega butterflies and non-hungries. And for some reason I need to pee about half an hour after I get there. I'm having a great time working there, getting paid to play with cute doggies is the best eva! Even if Mr Darcy the tiny pug puppy bit my butt when I was bending down.
They haven't paid me for it yet though, so I'll have to get that ironed out. Bastards!
And winz lost my application for accomodation supplement, so I had to resubmit it. BASTARDS!
Teh brother unit (wave! hello there!) has a flat. I haven't seen it yet since I've been too busy. But s00n, yes s00n...
Cash flow problems suck. Still haven't been paid for last saturday's 'hello can I help you with anything today?' nasty scary customer service dog food job. BASTARDS TOO!
Baxter gave me nice polite calm cuddles today. Didn't even lick me too much yay!
Out of chamomile tea.
I don't know how much the actual tea itself does as a herbal medicine to me, but using it in conjunction with conscious calming down and low stimulation levels, has I hope created a thing that my head now relates the chamomile taste and smell with calming down.
Oh the pain and mental anguish, it is so great.
I think that is the best joke I've seen for quite a while :QD
Moloko is teh fattie! He is at 1.1kg, so about 200g bigger than this time last year! He seems happier in his nice new cage. Current Mood: must...relax...!
|Monday, February 12th, 2007|
My new flat is lovely. Still haven't got everything unpacked, but that just means I have some stuff to do if I get bored.
I am a housewife at the moment since I am having trouble finding a second part time job. I need to go apply with more temping agencies.
The garden has pretty cream and gentle violet gazanias out front, they are very pretty. The soil was light grey when we moved in, now it looks much nicer thanks to the compost and potting mix in it. Still rather light and dark spotted but once the bokashi compost is added the structure should only get better.
Bear the tiny black pug puppy can't run properly because he is too little to have proper control over his wee legs. It is very very cute :Q)
Sometimes my pinprick demons scream inside my head, but most of the time they just murmur slow dark song fragments while they sleep. Knowing what is happening with job stuff has helped a lot. I haven't seen people for ages though, there are people I miss.
Icecream fits better into the fridge once you take the proteins out.
My head feels like I'm sleeping in a pile of sodden but warm towels, all quiet and fitting but with worms crawling under the far reaches where I can't see them.
Moloko likes sultanas and dried cranberries. I wonder if he like blueberries too? Current Mood: blank
|Thursday, January 4th, 2007|
|I is a moving noodle
Me and The Adam are moving! We got a lovely (and looks nice and warm OHH YEAHH!) place on Aikmans road. The lease here doesn't run out until the 24th, but in order to get the nice (and did I mention should be warm?) shiny new place we had to sign a lease for that starting on the 12th. So two weeks of double rent :Q( Looks like we will be moving stuff slowly over there for a while though, and so I need to get rid of a bunch of my stuff that isn't going to fit into a new and small (but warm yay!) place.
For a start, I brought a shiny new wild strawberry plant, one of the ones that is supposed to give me tiny but amazing tasting strawberries. It has runners with about three reasonable sized runner plants on it. I would like to remove the runners so that the plant itself can grow for a bit. Would anyone like the runner plants? The label says the variety is Fragaria vesca, variety Semperflorens if that is helpful.
I also should reduce my book collection too. I'll see if I can sort out tomorrow which books I would like to adopt out.
Mmmmm warm place good.
It has a tiny private courtyard too, so hopefully I'll be able to somehow figure out a way to hedgehog safe it so Moloko can trundle and play outside his cage which would be fantastic.
At christmas my cousin tried to tell me I should let him go, because she thinks "as an animal lover" he should be running around free. Yes, free is best, but after seeing the state of some of the hedgehogs that have visited my back yard I'm bloody glad he has free access to food, water, warm dry shelter, and regular flea and worm treatment. Mange is not pleasant.
She also said hedgehogs are social animals, which is flat out wrong. Also that they 'will come back to the same place night after night', which according to studies on hedgehog behaviour I've seen is also wrong. "He'll be 90% instinct", like a cat. But you don't chuck your cat outside
Anyway GRRRRRRRR!! I'm angry because she assumed I didn't research what I was doing fully. If Moloko was a social animal, I'm not so cruel and stupid that I'd just keep him for myself for my own amusement. For fucks sake, she has no clue what she is talking about, but still thinks she can lecture me. NOOOO! Hedgehogs are social my arse.
FUCK YOU I KNOW WHAT I AM DOING
I feel guilty about keeping him in a cage, but better that than have creeping mange and ringworm block his ears and eyes. Fuck that.
That was the only fly in the ointment though, so that is awfully good and kinda unusual for family christmas.
New years was very cool, we went down to Temuka to Troy and Sarah's place to play. It was lots of fun THANKS GUYS! :QD
I forgot to take advantage of their hospitality though and nick off with the first two cases of Taken though DAMN! And I left my green tea and lemon there so I'll have to do a ninja mission heh.
*Waves at mellowpuff
* hello sweeties! I hope you had a good new year and stuffs! I am going to ring you to try to say hello properly soons! And show you the truly horrible plate thing I got for xmas hehehee it's really really ugly!
But yeah. Moving. Trying to lessen my vast amount of stuff.
I'll try to remember to update with books to adopt out here tomorrow.
|Friday, December 1st, 2006|
Tomorrow I have a few hours work as a temp for a pavlova company. The temping lady rang and told me about it and said something about picking up pavlovas. I got the impression that it was more about packing them, but oh well.
It's a bit scary, the first time I've done any temping work and I don't know what to expect.
Working with pavlovas sounds nice though.
And I've been sneaky and found out the address of the actual company (I have to go to a different place tomorrow to find a man) in case they expect me to just deliver the stuffs.
Hehehheee pavlova... and meringue nests... squee!
Yesterday was my last payment of student allowance, so now I'll have to be burning through my savings until I get a job. Stupid head making me slow and scared in applying for jobs earlier. I've applied at Animates, but the position applications don't close until December 8th or something.
And FurKids aren't hiring until February since they have to move into a bigger place. At least I know where I stand with them though. Work experience there is SOOO much fun! Waking up little Jesse when it's time to go home and she's having tired puppy dreams is very cute.
Getting onto the dole is stupid and difficult.
I sprinkled grape hyacinth seeds onto the garden in a shady bare spot. Hehehehee they can grow so well they can become a weed and they are very prettty.
I like raspberries. A lot.
My face has calmed down after not liking my new facial cleanser, and I no longer look like I have an inflamed/pimply chopper mustache. That has to be good. Current Mood: nervous
|Tuesday, November 21st, 2006|
As of today I have passed all of the vet nurse course, and I am thus a fully qualified vet nurse! Hooray!
We are supposed to be having a class lunch today, and I need to leave nowish to get there on time, but I'm feeling paranoid and scared. I *really* want to just stay here and play Crawl, but I know I should just go. And I will probably have a good time when I go. It's the getting there that is the problem. Not going will mean someone will call and ask where I am. But not going will mean I don't get to say goodbye to some of the lovely people I have met this year.
Also, I have (I think) about an 80% chance of getting a part time job at Fur Kids, the doggie daycare place. I really enjoy it there, but my tutor said she had heard some not too good things about it. Apparently the owners have some 'issues' with scant knowledge of doggie behaviour and sizing with other dogs at playtime. I haven't seen anything much that would make me think that, but I'm probably missing it. I have work experience there on tuesdays and thursdays, and I really enjoy it there. But this has spoilt it a little.
I should just leave, and only stay for a short time.
Argh! Slow, deep abdominal breathing. Slow and calm.
Only for a short time. Current Mood: anxious
|Wednesday, November 1st, 2006|
It is sunny outside. It would be clever to actually go out and play in it.
This morning in class there were fantastic coloured pipe cleaners. I said 'OOHH! I used to play with those when I was little!' and the person next to me said that didn't surprise her. I don't know whether that's good or not.
Nearly all the course is over. All assignments handed in, only two large tests to go.
Moloko had a nasty accident the day before last. His cage has one and a half levels, and he caught his left hind toe in a tiny hole on the top. He managed to fall off, so that his toe and leg was still caught, but he was stretched out with just the ends of his wee front legs and his head on the ground for I don't know how long. I waddle on out to clean out his cage and find him like this and paniced. He looked like he was dead, I fully expected rigor mortis to have set in but when I said something he puffed the spines on his head just a tiny bit. I supported his body and freed his wee foot and he was very cold and slow. It was VERY VERY scary :Q( So I ran inside to grab his cage and went straight to the vet and burst into tears when I got there so the poor lady couldn't understand me.
He is ok though, he didn't even break any of the tiny bones in his wee foot. He had a tiny penetrating wound on his wee foot though, so he is on preventative antibiotics. He has to have them twice a day in a tiny bit of jelly meat. He is very grumpy and tired when I wake him up to get him to eat it, but so far he has eaten all his antibiotics yay!
And today his foot is only slightly swollen, I can't even see the wound, and he is using his leg fine. It was very very scary though. He has such long slim legs, and the bones are soo tiny, I was sure he had broken something.
Hooray for averting hedgehog tragedy!
is FNU! I was feeling rather poo-ey, but once I got to her place I felt wanted and lots better. Thankoo sweetie!
As an added bonus, edgar and dirtyfilthy were there too! And it was their anniversary :Q)
My bugbear has been trying to blot me out for the last two months. It's been stirring, waking up and making me bleed tears and paranoia, and then settles down into a delicate red sleep. I am glad it has been gone for most of this year though, having a raving blood red demon strapped to my back while trying to make a not totally shit impression at all the clinics I've been to would have been extremely difficult, if not impossible.
It tells me it's protecting me from the world, but what it's doing is whispering clarity shrouded lies into the recesses of my mammilian brain.
But it's gotten much better than it was, so that's a small blessing.
We like THE MOOOOONN!! Because it is CLOSE TO USSS!!!
I felt a little silly doing a beltane ritual last night. Really stupid, because I shouldn't damn well feel dumb. I think it's because of candy pagans, and people doing rituals because it makes them feel all alternative and speshul. I guess being able to ground and centre would have been helpful, but the mean-y bum demon was busy distracting me with stories of blown off digits and emptiness.
I think also, my patron is neither mother nor maiden (but is also both at the same time wank wank wank). It come down to that it's hard to form and direct energy when demons are whispering false woolly clarity into your brainstem. Current Mood: contemplative